Find Your Circle
You are not alone.
We live in a world that asks SO much of us. Often our own hopes and dreams are the last things we attend to or they are forgotten all together. That's not only tragic for you and me. We can't thrive when we are stretched so thin. But the world is impoverished as well. The world needs your wisdom, your vision, your art. But to make it, you're going to need support.
Support might not look the way you expect it to.
Almost every time I've asked for help, I've wondered if I should just push through without it, and then when it arrives, I think it's not nearly enough! Here's what's working for me right now: Instacart, hiring a business coach, working with a parenting coach, treating OT and speech as writing time, voice memos and Polos from friends who cheer me on, dropping off the laundry, taking classes, and more...
I feel conflicted about some of these choices. But I know they reflect the fact that care giving and creativity are tragically undervalued in our world, not that I'm a lazy or thoughtless person. I wish there were better options. Please know we're muddling through this together.
This workbook is designed to help you think about what kind of support you need (or just simply want!) and how to get it. This process works best when we approach it without judging or blaming ourselves. We need to acknowledge the lack of support in our society is bigger than us and believe that it's possible to find support. I honestly believe that is its own kind of revolution.
The List
We all have a list of must-dos and want-to-dos in our head. Let's get them out on paper. It's going to be a big messy pile of responsibilities. That's ok. There's no too much or not enough with this exercise. It's just what is. List everything you are thinking about, in charge of, managing, delegating, executing, or dreaming about in every are of your life below. We'll sort through them in a bit. For now, just work on capturing how you spend your time, energy, and attention without judgment. Use the link below to download the workbook if you want more guidance.
List everything and code each responsibility and interest using the symbols in the workbook as a guide. Feel free to invent your own symbols too! The idea is to give yourself a chance to step back and reflect. Try to bring the same curiosity and creativity you bring to your art to this step. Then take a moment to see what stands out to you.
It's totally possible that your whole list is filled with draining tasks, Or there are lots of things that don't need to be done by you, but you don't have anyone to do them for you. That's ok. We're not trying to make the list go away. That's not possible. It's part of being human. We're just trying to gain some clarity and find a little peace through knowing what's on the list and why.
The Support
Let's put our lists to the side for a moment and think about what kind of support we need--or even just want. No apologies or explanations needed! Don't worry about how to get this kind of support yet. Just think about what would help you feel more energized, creative, and at ease.
It's rare to have all the support you need, but you might have more than you realize. Spend a week noticing all the ways people offer to help you and record them here. It might be as simple as your partner picking up the kids, when normally you do that task. It could take the form of a therapeutic chat with your art teacher. Or it might arrive as a gushing review from a reader. The more you look for ways the universe is already supporting you, the more you'll notice what's already working (and the more ideas you'll have for finding the support you're craving).
If finding support was easy, you would have already done it! So I really want to encourage you to look at your life as a whole and think about where you can find support in creative ways. How can you free up time or energy in one area of life, so you can channel it into a different area? (If you want to finish writing your book, it might help to get a meal service for a month.)
Of course, you can brainstorm tiny shifts you can make to refresh you energy. But this workbook is really about finding creative ways to ask for help from your community, family, friends, and professionals. It's also about reviewing your schedule and systems, so your days are built around supporting you rather than demanding more than you can possibly accomplish.
Who is cheering you on? List them below. Get specific about the people in your life who are actively encouraging you to take up space, make art, and be your whole self.
(Need to make new friends? Try Exhale Creativity, sign up for Nicole Gulotta's memoir community, join Kaileen Elise Sues's intuition group, sign up for a writing circle with Tiffany Clarke Harrison, or request my matchmaking services.)
There are outside forces beyond our control, but for this exercise, it might help to remind yourself that you're in charge of your life. What kind of boss are you going to be? Are you going to insist that you perform under intense stress again and again? Or are you going to set yourself up for success? What resources do you need to thrive for years to come? Try to think bigger and more long term than you normally do, but also trust that circumstances will change.
Go back through your answers, looking for patterns and insights. List your essential responsibilities below and the various forms of support you might want to bring in. Does seeing them side by side spark any ideas?
We often think if we want to write two more hours every day, then we need to ask our partner to watch the kids for two more hours every day, but that's impossible, so forget about writing. But what if you take your baby for a walk every day and use that time to think about your book, so when you get an hour on the weekend to write, you can jump right in? Or what if you join a writing group that meets silently over Zoom after bedtime and the camaraderie makes it easier to write? Or what if you pick up dinner twice a week and use the extra time to write while your kids do their homework? Or thinking even more indirectly what if you hire a painter, so your partner doesn't have to do a house project and can hang out with the kids for a few hours this week? Finding support is possible--if we bring the same creativity we bring to our work to building our lives.
Once you've identified the kinds of support you would like to bring into your life, especially the kinds of people you would like to support you, take time to get more specific. Describe your ideal nanny, writing schedule, accountability partner, or workout below. Don't worry about being realistic. Focus on customizing these descriptions for you and your life.
Example
Looking for a nanny who can come Tuesdays and Thursdays 9-12. Includes light housework (trash, dishes, tidying) and prepping lunch.
Example
Someone who can manage my Pinterest ads for 3 months and set up my website to sell more, so I can focus on my creative projects
Finding Your Circle
You know what kind of support you already have and you know what you're looking for. Now how do you find it? Below are some ideas to get you started.
Look up. Look around you. Make eye contact. Talk to strangers. Engage with the world in whatever way you have capacity for right now. It's hard to help someone who is closed off.
Post about it on social media, share it in your newsletter, mention it to friends and neighbors. Don't be shy about letting people know you're expanding your circle.
Offer to do a trade with someone. Swap childcare or services. Make it a one-time thing or set up a schedule.
Make more friends. Join a club or community that celebrates something you believe in. Look for like-minded people that might be able to share resources.
Ask for help early. Be specific about your request. This is a good guide if you want more specifics.
Try to line up more support than you think you need. Give yourself a little breathing room!
Do a test run. Have a coffee date or a phone chat. Take a short class before you commit to something longer. Hire someone for a small project. Get a feel for if they'll be a good fit.
Be open to all the different forms help might come in. Friends, family, teachers, neighbors, therapists, coaches, people you pay, people you know from college...we're all meant to help each other!
Imagine who you might be and what you might do with support. Let that vision lead you through the discomfort of asking for help.
Accept that not everyone can help all the time. That's ok. Just keep asking until you find it. Most people are happy to help if they can, and please trust me when I say that you're not asking for too much.
We shouldn't have to create our art or care for our families alone. We shouldn't feel like the world is on our shoulders. We shouldn't feel embarrassed or scared to ask for help. But I know that's how so many of us feel. I feel it too some days.
But I also believe the world is full of kind, generous people who are happy to help and want to be of service, however they can. We just need to look for them, open our arms, expand our circle, and build our lives around the idea that we are all in this together.
Are you with me?
I know it feels vulnerable. I promise you are already giving more than enough, and when you can give more, you will.